Winning with Lottery Tickets (The New Math)

In order to win with lottery tickets you need to be aware of the new math.  Every mathematician knows that winning the lottery is all about the math, and if you realign your math into a new math, even if that math is not correct or even up to the codes of elementary math, let alone euclidian or non-euclidian geometry, you will know that you can win with lottery tickets.

We start with a basic asset and liability balance sheet.  If you are new to math, this will help you see if you are actually winning or not.

List the amount of money that you spent on lottery tickets in the liability column on a two column sheet of paper (it can even be a napkin).  List the amount spent in one month.  Below that list the amount of junk food and cigarettes and soda you purchased at the convenience store where you purchased those lottery tickets during the same month.  So if you bought one soda per day for $1.39 with tax that would be $43.09 on a 31 day month.  That would just be for soda (This is the old math).  Once you list everything you bought at the convenience store, also list the amount of money in gas you use going to the convenience store (This may seem like much, since it is convenient).  Also list the hospital bills for heart disease, pneumonia, and other sugar/tobacco diet side-effects from shopping at the Village Pantry.  Study that paper carefully.  If this were old math, you would then list the winnings on the asset side, and compare the two and see which side is more, and most likely the liability side would be much higher. 

This is why we need new math to be able to play the lottery or lottery tickets because the old math just says to stop, that it's stupid to keep buying tickets. 

New Math:  Tear up the piece of paper that you studied.  Burn it.  Forget about it.  Only think of the assets.  Only think of your winnings.  But what if I never win?  Isn't the excitement of almost winning good enough?  Especially since it isn't costing you anything because of the new math.  Only count assets, don't count liabilities.  That is the new math my friends.  Cheers.  Even if you don't win, doesn't it feel good to scratch off all those tickets?

Investing Morally - the Opioid Epidemic

Morons!!!  That is who this is for.  Remember the blog title carefully.

What if you see that you need some type of retirement like a 401(k) or a Roth IRA or an annuity or at least a social security check and you wonder what the best investment is out there.  You start to hear all over the place that there is an epidemic in America related to heroin and opiates.  Herion and opiates are really the same thing.  The drug dealer on the street and the scipt for Oxycontin are really the same thing.

You are a moron, and so even though people are dying from the opioid epidemic (everybody has to die some time), the opioids are helping people with there pain.  Didn't someone once say, "Religion is an opiate for the masses."  So giving people an opiate for pain is good, of course not to be used except at the uttermost point of need (or when someone wants it).  So as a moron you say, "How can I build my retirement portfolio on opiates?"

No! You would never sell heroin on the street.  So you can't do that.

But this cool company called Purdue Pharma makes Oxycontin and tons of other pain meds.  They pretty much just make a bunch of pain meds.  Are these pain meds killing people?  Yes.  But are they escaping their pain?  Yes, they are dead.

Purdue Pharma sounds like a pretty smart organization in that they have figured out how to kill loads of people every day and get paid for it in the name of helping people in their pain.  Funny how they have had lots of law suits against them that they have lost, but how can the millions they lose in court ever compare to the trillions of dollars they make every year?

You don't believe me!  Try to look up how much anybody high up there makes.  They take the natuarlist's law in their disclosure of their financial information - LEAVE NO TRACE.  Is Oxycontin alone a big money maker for Purdue Pharma?  If 2 billion dollars is a lot, then yes.  But what if they don't record all their sales?  Wouldn't want everyone to know about all their deals.  What about the Oxycontin and other opiates shipped all around the world?

If you are a big enough moron and have absolutely no ethics like Purdue Pharma, you are super-excited to buy Purdue Pharma stock.  You were thinking of Bershire Hathaway, and then you got all moronic and went all in with Purdue Pharma.

Then you realize there is not Purdue Pharma stock.  It is a private company.  You see, to be a public company and sell shares of stock, there would be two problematic issues that Raymond Sackler (read: evil character in real live thriller), the owner of Purdue Pharma would have to be faced with:

1.  In the words of Carrie Underwood - DIRTY LAUNDRY.  His information would become less and less private.
2.  He would have to share all that money with investment companies like Vanguard and Fidelity.

So you cannot invest in the Opiate Crisis, because Raymond Sackler, the owner and Drug Lord of Opiates, won't let you have any of the money that he uses to kill people all throughout this country.

Sadly, although Purdue is the worst they are not alone.  Abb Vie, Indivior, and Mallinckrodt and many others.

There are many morons willing to live rich on the funerals that fill the obituaries.

Financing a Wedding (Total Eclipse of the Heart)

First off, getting married to a rich spouse, or at least a spouse with rich parents, seems to be a very moronic thing to do, which would fit in with this blog.  Here are the top ten moronic ways to finance a wedding,

10,  Hire strippers for the bachelor's and bachelorette's parties, since they not only charge money you don't have they will also start the marriage off in infidelity and thereby make the wedding a complete waste of time and money.  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

9.  Rent out the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, TN, fly all your groomsmen and bridesmaids there as well, charge the money for their dresses flowers, candy, beer, wine, liquor to an account that chages 0% for the first year (but 59% thereafter - sure you'll pay it off, wink wink), so that all those memories of the wedding will be fuzzy when you are in bed three months later with the best man, and your groom is in bed the night before you wedding with the matron of honor's sister!  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

8.  Free Bar!  Start the marriage off stupid!  Yeah!  Lots of beer and wine always makes people start off something well!  What if it doesn't last?  At least my spouse was rich!  What if your spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

7.  Come down the aisle in an airplane!  With beer in both hands!  Lots of hospital bills lead to high money stress in marriage and that leads to divorce.  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

6.  Have Elvis be the preacher in Vegas!  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!  Your marriage won't make it out of that town!  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

5.  Destination Wedding!  Hawaii!  Just don't forget to get drunk, if for no other reason than to forget about how in debt you are going even before you begin to have monthly bills together, along with both your monthly cycles, you will be so in debt the only way to finance this wedding will be with Jose Cuervo and Jim Beam!   But what if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

4.  Lord of the Rings Wedding!  Not only will we go to New Zealand, but we will hire Peter Jackson and a few of the more well know actors, Hugo Weaving, Viggo Mortensen, and Frodo Baggins (Don't forget the ring-bearers!), and make a movie out of our wedding that people will actually want to watch, so that years later when we are divorced and I am broke I can at least watch my wedding on Netflix streaming at a friend's house.  Just don't hire the person who staged Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart video because that video will talk you out of any wedding (maybe that could be a good thing).  Wait, though, you see, my spouse will be rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

3.  Lunar Wedding!  Even though we missed the Solar Eclipse last year on Ausust 21, 2017 (and August is a great summer wedding month) there will sure be more solar eclipses eventually.  We will launch our wedding party (Elon Musk will want to go) into outer space, land on the moon, and get amazing shots in all of the astronomer's photographs who have those amazing cameras.  That way, even if the marriage does not last, our photo will make an article in National Geographic and will will be able to tell people, "Look, that's me getting married!" (even though now I am divorced).

2.  Cyborg wedding!  Hire the two best Neurosurgeons to open up our brains on the operating table and implant rings into our RNA or DNA strands (whichever they think best, since they are the professionals and not you who criticize this moron for thinking it) so what we not only have a Church wedding and a State wedding, but also a scientific wedding (maybe I missed something about the wedding night and its relation to biology, hmmm), and that could not be that expensive.  While they are there they may as well but machine guns in our hands and lasers in our eyes so that we can become cyborgs too.  Then when I try to kill her on my wedding night like Prince Humperdink, I can only hope that the brain surgeon was smart enough to make me smart enough to get a life insurance policy on her that would ensure her with me as the beneficiary that night.  Even if she was rich and hires a rich lawyer I still have laser eyes!

1.  Make sure that both of us mean these marriage vows by thinking this though not only with the two of us, but with outside people who can help us enter into marriage not as a one night party, but as a lifelong investment, that will pay dividends over and above any wedding bill, and we can have sloppy joes on paper plates and save a lot of money.  Meeting the family of my finace and also getting to know them and getting pre-marital counseling with a counselor or pastor.  Maybe we could also plan our marriage even more than the day of our wedding, so that if it rains on our wedding day (ironic, right?) we can still grow things as long as we make it through the compost heap!  What if we never had to pay for divorce lawyers, child support, alimony, two homes, and trying to pawn that pretty diamond ring.  I know, I know - this is the most moronic way to finance a wedding of the ten.

The Rich Young Ruler

Where was the rich young ruler from Matthew 19, Mark 10, and Luke 18?  Was he from Jerusalem?  From Rome?  From Joppa by the Sea?  Where would he be from today?

The rich man reminds us that as long as we spend our money quick enough and do not keep enough back to put two quarters together we can bypass anything Jesus says to this man because he is rich and we are not.  One great reason we have for not having money is because we can complain that other people have money, not us.  We are in the lower middle class, or maybe the upper middle class, as long as we are not rich.  If we were rich we may have to listen more closely to what Jesus is saying.

The Federal Poverty Level for 2016 in the USA for a family of four is $24,300.

That is America's definition of poverty.

What about globally?

http://www.globalrichlist.com/

That $24,300 annual income would make me in the top 2.16% of the richest people in the world.

So let's assume that I was a big enough moron to make that much money and now I realize that for the other 97.84% of the world, I am that rich man.

I need to be wiser to hear what Jesus says to me.

He can't be saying to literally sell all my possessions and give to the poor.

Jesus, first off, selling all my possessions, even if I wanted to, is not a quick and easy thing to do.  I can't craigslist all that stuff.  Even if I did ebay or craigslist it, I would need to sell winter stuff in the fall and summer stuff in the spring or I won't get a good deal for those poor people I need to give to.

Second, Jesus, the poor of the world are not in my neighborhood, not on my side of the tracks, not on my side of the river, not in my suburb, not in my country.  What do you expect me to do, go to the other side of the world?!?!?!?!?

Jesus:  "Do you want to be rich or what?  Then why don't you let me show you riches you have not yet seen?  Will you not follow me to the other side of the world?  Just because you are hanging on to a house, a motorcycle, clothes, a good job?"

Jesus told him, "If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."NLT Matthew 19:21

Winning with Individual Stocks

This is the rule for buying individual stocks.  It's only one rule because if you are really a moron, you can only handle one rule, okay maybe two.

But the one rule for buying an individual stock is that you have to be willing to swim in it, to buy it over and over again until you are sick of it and then buy it for people for Christmas.

So if I wanted to buy stock in iRhythm technologies it would be not only that I have a problem with finding and diagnosing my heart's rhythms, or even that I am a Doctor who wants to diagnose them better, but that I want to give everyone in the world for Christmas the Zio monitoring system.  That would mean:

1.  I have enough cash flow to buy not only ZIOs for lots of people (I think they are free), but to pay for the intensive reports iRhythm technologies gives doctors.  Maybe if I am an insurance company who plans to make it standard for everyone and anyone on my plan to have a ZIO and get the reports, then I should buy iRhythm stock.

2.  Even if the stock went belly up, I would be in more trouble because the company doesn't support the product than I would be if the stock dies.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1EODB_enUS511US512&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=irhythm+stock

Another option would be if you really like Pie Five Pizza Co. and I was toying with buying RAVE stock because that was who owned Pie Five.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1EODB_enUS511US512&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=pie+5+pizza+stock

How much do I really like it?  Will I not only eat it every day but give gift cards as the only gift I ever give anyone ever?  Will I have my kids birthday parties there?  Will I ask them about bottling parfum so that I can smell like pizza all day and all night?  Moreover, will I make it my religious belief that all humans should not only be able to but be required to eat Pie Five Pizza?  Oops, I forgot to ask, do you also like Pizza Inn?  If you don't you just bought it and may soon smell like it.  If you will not feed your dog Pie Five Pizza, forget about buying the individual stock!

So should you buy an individual stock?  Should you make sure that you house is all wood?  Wood beams, wooden nails, wooden faucet, wooden toilet, wooden sheets (I hear they will be in in 2049).

Putting all your eggs in one basket is the idea of buying an individual stock.  That is when investing is called gambling.

My Portfolio

Many people do not know what a portfolio is.  Is it a type of briefcase, a marketing gimmick for artists and designers, or some type a financial thing?

It is of course all of those, but we will now speak of the financial portfolio.  Etymologically, portfolio comes from the three words:

Port is a sailing term that means the opposite of starboard.  You could take this one of three ways.  Port reminds me to never invest in outer space, port means I should never let my left hand know what my right hand is doing, or port means never invest in the sea - it is too choppy.  So choose your pick or make one up.

(huietelle) is the second part of portfolio, although unvoiced and also unwritten so most people do not know that is it even a part of portfolio and therefore will never know what it means.  (huietelle) is either elvish, sindaric, tumeric, or igiKwanquan, and it means variety.  There are a variety of types of variety, or should I say various.  Here are the three main types:  1.  Change always so you don't get bored.  2.  A variety show (essentially the same as #1.  3.  Don't put all your eggs in one basket (or portfolio).

Folio is a arborist term meaning leaf, or possibly a scribal or manuscript term, or a term from when the arborist and the scribe were one and the same.  What this means is that leaves are great investments.  This could be taken one of 7 ways.
1.  Invest in booksellers like Amazon.
2.  Invest in Christmas tree farms.
3.  Invest in Books about trees and leaves, like a tree guide.
4.  Invest in land which also has trees.
5.  Invest in land with palm trees (indigenous or imported).
6.  Write your investments on a leaf for each investment, and have a collection, similar to the Marvel collectors of the infinity stones.  Leafs, infinity stones, silmarils, what's the difference?
7.  Invest in stocks, bonds, CDs, cash, money market funds, REITs, municipal bonds, lottery tickets, racehorse winners and losers, patents, and really whatever else floats your portfolio.

Piggy Bank

The reason why you should always use a piggy bank that is indeed in the shape of a pig is that the pig scares off thieves, mice, and ants that would take your money.  Many people do not know that long before pigs were used to obtain bacon (okay three days before) that pigs have always scared thieves, mice, and ants.  Pigs scare thieves because they are afraid that the piggy bank will slip out of his or her hands and break to pieces.  Then they would be assigned to great task of collecting small bits of money.  This obviously only works if you smear crisco all over the piggy bank (Another little known trick is to use the piggy bank as the home for your pet scorpion - everyone knows thieves don't like to be bit by scorpions, and it will help deter ants.  Pigs scare mice (mice are the main ones stealing your money by the way) because pigs eat anything, including mice.  Pigs scare ants only if you have a pet scorpion living in the pig.
You must not have an exit hole (only saving not spending) if your intention was to ever save any money.  The entrance hole must be small enough that it is impossible to get money out.
Also, the piggy bank must be able to withstand not only a hammer, but also a rented jackhammer from the local tool shop.  If it is easy to break then it will be easy to spend.
The idea of a piggy bank is that it must be opened with something that has not been invented yet, something far into the future.  How far?  That depends on your financial time horizon, the patent of the inventor and her or his production schedule.
One key thing to remember - no matter how frustrated you get with your piggy bank never use it for dumping waste (a latrine, loo, or toilet).  If your do you will only have dirty money.  Who wants to be stinking rich?

 "Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it."
                                                                            Proverbs 13:11