Financing a Wedding (Total Eclipse of the Heart)

First off, getting married to a rich spouse, or at least a spouse with rich parents, seems to be a very moronic thing to do, which would fit in with this blog.  Here are the top ten moronic ways to finance a wedding,

10,  Hire strippers for the bachelor's and bachelorette's parties, since they not only charge money you don't have they will also start the marriage off in infidelity and thereby make the wedding a complete waste of time and money.  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

9.  Rent out the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, TN, fly all your groomsmen and bridesmaids there as well, charge the money for their dresses flowers, candy, beer, wine, liquor to an account that chages 0% for the first year (but 59% thereafter - sure you'll pay it off, wink wink), so that all those memories of the wedding will be fuzzy when you are in bed three months later with the best man, and your groom is in bed the night before you wedding with the matron of honor's sister!  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

8.  Free Bar!  Start the marriage off stupid!  Yeah!  Lots of beer and wine always makes people start off something well!  What if it doesn't last?  At least my spouse was rich!  What if your spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

7.  Come down the aisle in an airplane!  With beer in both hands!  Lots of hospital bills lead to high money stress in marriage and that leads to divorce.  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

6.  Have Elvis be the preacher in Vegas!  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!  Your marriage won't make it out of that town!  What if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

5.  Destination Wedding!  Hawaii!  Just don't forget to get drunk, if for no other reason than to forget about how in debt you are going even before you begin to have monthly bills together, along with both your monthly cycles, you will be so in debt the only way to finance this wedding will be with Jose Cuervo and Jim Beam!   But what if my spouse is rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

4.  Lord of the Rings Wedding!  Not only will we go to New Zealand, but we will hire Peter Jackson and a few of the more well know actors, Hugo Weaving, Viggo Mortensen, and Frodo Baggins (Don't forget the ring-bearers!), and make a movie out of our wedding that people will actually want to watch, so that years later when we are divorced and I am broke I can at least watch my wedding on Netflix streaming at a friend's house.  Just don't hire the person who staged Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart video because that video will talk you out of any wedding (maybe that could be a good thing).  Wait, though, you see, my spouse will be rich?  They will hire a rich lawyer to sue you in divorce court!

3.  Lunar Wedding!  Even though we missed the Solar Eclipse last year on Ausust 21, 2017 (and August is a great summer wedding month) there will sure be more solar eclipses eventually.  We will launch our wedding party (Elon Musk will want to go) into outer space, land on the moon, and get amazing shots in all of the astronomer's photographs who have those amazing cameras.  That way, even if the marriage does not last, our photo will make an article in National Geographic and will will be able to tell people, "Look, that's me getting married!" (even though now I am divorced).

2.  Cyborg wedding!  Hire the two best Neurosurgeons to open up our brains on the operating table and implant rings into our RNA or DNA strands (whichever they think best, since they are the professionals and not you who criticize this moron for thinking it) so what we not only have a Church wedding and a State wedding, but also a scientific wedding (maybe I missed something about the wedding night and its relation to biology, hmmm), and that could not be that expensive.  While they are there they may as well but machine guns in our hands and lasers in our eyes so that we can become cyborgs too.  Then when I try to kill her on my wedding night like Prince Humperdink, I can only hope that the brain surgeon was smart enough to make me smart enough to get a life insurance policy on her that would ensure her with me as the beneficiary that night.  Even if she was rich and hires a rich lawyer I still have laser eyes!

1.  Make sure that both of us mean these marriage vows by thinking this though not only with the two of us, but with outside people who can help us enter into marriage not as a one night party, but as a lifelong investment, that will pay dividends over and above any wedding bill, and we can have sloppy joes on paper plates and save a lot of money.  Meeting the family of my finace and also getting to know them and getting pre-marital counseling with a counselor or pastor.  Maybe we could also plan our marriage even more than the day of our wedding, so that if it rains on our wedding day (ironic, right?) we can still grow things as long as we make it through the compost heap!  What if we never had to pay for divorce lawyers, child support, alimony, two homes, and trying to pawn that pretty diamond ring.  I know, I know - this is the most moronic way to finance a wedding of the ten.

The Rich Young Ruler

Where was the rich young ruler from Matthew 19, Mark 10, and Luke 18?  Was he from Jerusalem?  From Rome?  From Joppa by the Sea?  Where would he be from today?

The rich man reminds us that as long as we spend our money quick enough and do not keep enough back to put two quarters together we can bypass anything Jesus says to this man because he is rich and we are not.  One great reason we have for not having money is because we can complain that other people have money, not us.  We are in the lower middle class, or maybe the upper middle class, as long as we are not rich.  If we were rich we may have to listen more closely to what Jesus is saying.

The Federal Poverty Level for 2016 in the USA for a family of four is $24,300.

That is America's definition of poverty.

What about globally?

http://www.globalrichlist.com/

That $24,300 annual income would make me in the top 2.16% of the richest people in the world.

So let's assume that I was a big enough moron to make that much money and now I realize that for the other 97.84% of the world, I am that rich man.

I need to be wiser to hear what Jesus says to me.

He can't be saying to literally sell all my possessions and give to the poor.

Jesus, first off, selling all my possessions, even if I wanted to, is not a quick and easy thing to do.  I can't craigslist all that stuff.  Even if I did ebay or craigslist it, I would need to sell winter stuff in the fall and summer stuff in the spring or I won't get a good deal for those poor people I need to give to.

Second, Jesus, the poor of the world are not in my neighborhood, not on my side of the tracks, not on my side of the river, not in my suburb, not in my country.  What do you expect me to do, go to the other side of the world?!?!?!?!?

Jesus:  "Do you want to be rich or what?  Then why don't you let me show you riches you have not yet seen?  Will you not follow me to the other side of the world?  Just because you are hanging on to a house, a motorcycle, clothes, a good job?"

Jesus told him, "If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."NLT Matthew 19:21

Winning with Individual Stocks

This is the rule for buying individual stocks.  It's only one rule because if you are really a moron, you can only handle one rule, okay maybe two.

But the one rule for buying an individual stock is that you have to be willing to swim in it, to buy it over and over again until you are sick of it and then buy it for people for Christmas.

So if I wanted to buy stock in iRhythm technologies it would be not only that I have a problem with finding and diagnosing my heart's rhythms, or even that I am a Doctor who wants to diagnose them better, but that I want to give everyone in the world for Christmas the Zio monitoring system.  That would mean:

1.  I have enough cash flow to buy not only ZIOs for lots of people (I think they are free), but to pay for the intensive reports iRhythm technologies gives doctors.  Maybe if I am an insurance company who plans to make it standard for everyone and anyone on my plan to have a ZIO and get the reports, then I should buy iRhythm stock.

2.  Even if the stock went belly up, I would be in more trouble because the company doesn't support the product than I would be if the stock dies.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1EODB_enUS511US512&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=irhythm+stock

Another option would be if you really like Pie Five Pizza Co. and I was toying with buying RAVE stock because that was who owned Pie Five.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1EODB_enUS511US512&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=pie+5+pizza+stock

How much do I really like it?  Will I not only eat it every day but give gift cards as the only gift I ever give anyone ever?  Will I have my kids birthday parties there?  Will I ask them about bottling parfum so that I can smell like pizza all day and all night?  Moreover, will I make it my religious belief that all humans should not only be able to but be required to eat Pie Five Pizza?  Oops, I forgot to ask, do you also like Pizza Inn?  If you don't you just bought it and may soon smell like it.  If you will not feed your dog Pie Five Pizza, forget about buying the individual stock!

So should you buy an individual stock?  Should you make sure that you house is all wood?  Wood beams, wooden nails, wooden faucet, wooden toilet, wooden sheets (I hear they will be in in 2049).

Putting all your eggs in one basket is the idea of buying an individual stock.  That is when investing is called gambling.

My Portfolio

Many people do not know what a portfolio is.  Is it a type of briefcase, a marketing gimmick for artists and designers, or some type a financial thing?

It is of course all of those, but we will now speak of the financial portfolio.  Etymologically, portfolio comes from the three words:

Port is a sailing term that means the opposite of starboard.  You could take this one of three ways.  Port reminds me to never invest in outer space, port means I should never let my left hand know what my right hand is doing, or port means never invest in the sea - it is too choppy.  So choose your pick or make one up.

(huietelle) is the second part of portfolio, although unvoiced and also unwritten so most people do not know that is it even a part of portfolio and therefore will never know what it means.  (huietelle) is either elvish, sindaric, tumeric, or igiKwanquan, and it means variety.  There are a variety of types of variety, or should I say various.  Here are the three main types:  1.  Change always so you don't get bored.  2.  A variety show (essentially the same as #1.  3.  Don't put all your eggs in one basket (or portfolio).

Folio is a arborist term meaning leaf, or possibly a scribal or manuscript term, or a term from when the arborist and the scribe were one and the same.  What this means is that leaves are great investments.  This could be taken one of 7 ways.
1.  Invest in booksellers like Amazon.
2.  Invest in Christmas tree farms.
3.  Invest in Books about trees and leaves, like a tree guide.
4.  Invest in land which also has trees.
5.  Invest in land with palm trees (indigenous or imported).
6.  Write your investments on a leaf for each investment, and have a collection, similar to the Marvel collectors of the infinity stones.  Leafs, infinity stones, silmarils, what's the difference?
7.  Invest in stocks, bonds, CDs, cash, money market funds, REITs, municipal bonds, lottery tickets, racehorse winners and losers, patents, and really whatever else floats your portfolio.

Piggy Bank

The reason why you should always use a piggy bank that is indeed in the shape of a pig is that the pig scares off thieves, mice, and ants that would take your money.  Many people do not know that long before pigs were used to obtain bacon (okay three days before) that pigs have always scared thieves, mice, and ants.  Pigs scare thieves because they are afraid that the piggy bank will slip out of his or her hands and break to pieces.  Then they would be assigned to great task of collecting small bits of money.  This obviously only works if you smear crisco all over the piggy bank (Another little known trick is to use the piggy bank as the home for your pet scorpion - everyone knows thieves don't like to be bit by scorpions, and it will help deter ants.  Pigs scare mice (mice are the main ones stealing your money by the way) because pigs eat anything, including mice.  Pigs scare ants only if you have a pet scorpion living in the pig.
You must not have an exit hole (only saving not spending) if your intention was to ever save any money.  The entrance hole must be small enough that it is impossible to get money out.
Also, the piggy bank must be able to withstand not only a hammer, but also a rented jackhammer from the local tool shop.  If it is easy to break then it will be easy to spend.
The idea of a piggy bank is that it must be opened with something that has not been invented yet, something far into the future.  How far?  That depends on your financial time horizon, the patent of the inventor and her or his production schedule.
One key thing to remember - no matter how frustrated you get with your piggy bank never use it for dumping waste (a latrine, loo, or toilet).  If your do you will only have dirty money.  Who wants to be stinking rich?

 "Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it."
                                                                            Proverbs 13:11

Pay Yourself First

Here are some of the people you pay and are making them very rich (You are not the only ones who pay them).

1. RJ Reynolds
2. Sam Walton's family
3.  John Stratton (Verizon CEO)
4.  João Mauricio Giffoni de Castro Neves (Do you want a beer?)
5.  Tim Cook
6.  Bill Gates
7.  Warren Buffett.

All you had to do to make those people rich is be one of the millions who smoke through a pack of cigarettes, drink a beer or a coke, or use a smart phone.

How do you make yourself rich?

Pay yourself before paying them!  Be your own CEO!  Save money for yourself that grows!!!

Step one:  Plant a dollar bill in the ground.
Step two:  Water it thouroughly.
Step three:  Buy a lot of Miracle Grow (Get a Fidelity or Vanguard Mutual fund and this could be an added bonus) and pour it on the spot. 
Step four.  Watch is for 7 nights and days so that no one digs it up.
Step five:  When the money tree sprouts, make sure your dog does not eat it.
Step six.  Harvest a crop of $1 bills.  (If you want more plant $100 bills).  Make your you plant seed bills, bills with seeds in them.  Normal bills will never do.  

Or if you do not see yourself as a CEO or a god, tithe 10% or more and pay God first.

You could tithe to your church.
You could tithe to the poor.
You could tithe to both.
You could tithe on the growth.
You could tithe on the net. 
You could add both together and tithe on that.

God's retirement plan blows all the others off the planet!!!!

"And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth.  2 And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the LORD your God.  3 Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field.  4 Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock.  5 Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl.  6 Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.  7 "The LORD will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before you. They shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways.  8 The LORD will command the blessing on you in your barns and in all that you undertake. And he will bless you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. Deuteronomy 28:1-8  

  16 And he told them a parable, saying, "The land of a rich man produced plentifully,  17 and he thought to himself, 'What shall I do, for I have nowhere to store my crops?'  18 And he said, 'I will do this: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods.  19 And I will say to my soul, Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.'  20 But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?'  21 So is the one who lays up treasure for himself and is not rich toward God."  22 And he said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.  23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.  24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!  25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?  27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!  29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.  30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.  31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.  32 "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  33 Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys.  34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Luke 12:16-34 

I LOVE Money

Jesus said a lot of things about money.  

  13 No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money."  14 The Pharisees, who were lovers of money, heard all these things, and they ridiculed him.  15 And he said to them, "You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God. 
                                                  Luke 16:13-15

Paul said this to a young pastor.

 6 Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment,  7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.  8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.  9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.  10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.  11 But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. 
                                                  1 Timothy 6:6-11  

Loving money makes me not only a moron, but destructive.

But they are not the only ones to talk about money.

John D. Rockefeller.

"The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets."
When asked once, "How much money is enough money?" He replied, "Just a little bit more."

50 Reasons for 50 CENT

Although there have many numerous 50 cent pieces, there are also two men with the nicknames, 50 cent.  One is a rapper named Curtis James Jackson III.  The other was Kelvin Martin, who inspired Curtis to be named 50 cent.  Here are some possible reasons that Kelvin and Curtis named themselves 50 cent.
1.  They, like JFK, knew that they would one day be shot, and they may or may not be riding in a car at the time with a woman that was G-unit-orgeous.
2.  They loved the feel of the half-dollar, and yet 50 cent had a better ring and philologically, rolled off the tongue smoother than half-dollar.
3.  They would rob people even if they only had 50 cents, because at least they could buy a pop (Never for 49 cents).
4.  They asked people for 50 cents so much that it became their name.
5.  They demanded (or else) 50 cents so much from people they robbed, knowing that if they invested 50 cents slowly in a low cost index fund that it would grow steadily and they could have there 50 cents grow to become a fortune.
6.  They gave our 50 cents to people all the time.
7.  They, like JFK, liked to be with more than one woman.
8.  Change gonna come, and they wanted change.
9.  After paying for a pack of gum (sugar-free), and they got 50 cents as change - get it - CHANGE!!!  It is a monetary metaphor for change!!!!  Got Change?  Get it?   Poetic.  Great.  Inspiring.
10.  They, like JFK, are democrats.
11.  They, like JFK, had a mother named Sabrina who died in a fire (oh, JFK's mom was Rose?  Sabrina and Rose are similar aren't they?)
12.  They, like JFK, had a dog named Pushinka.
13.  They don't like people with Harvey as a middle name and shoot at them, and yet who knows the rest of the story.
14.  They, like Scrooge McDuck, have a lucky 50 cent piece (Scrooge has a lucky dime).
15.  They could add, multiply, subtract, and divide better than anyone in their class.
16.  They did not like Andrew Jackson, even though that was the name of their school, or because it was, and so they could not be called - twenty dollar bill (also, because that is too long a name).
17.  They entered a game of dice with a 50 cent stake and came out with $500, thereby showing that if you can compound interest at 100,000% you should get a nickname for it.
18.  To prove that coming up with 50 reasons for the name 50 cent is no easy task.
19.  To test people's counting skills.
20.  They like pop machines (coke).
21.  -273 degrees would be over everyone's heads.
22.  They wanted to be buried in a silver cemetery.
23.  They liked the idea of being remembered as a number, like #23.
24.  Hours in a day wasn't really their thing.
25.  Half of a half was not enough - I mean, who wants to be a quarter?
26.  Gang -related, like the cross country group in Ottowa.
27.  Half the weeks in a year - nah.
28.  No reason.
29.  Did I mention how fun it is to have it in your pocketses?  Especially a vest pocket.
30.  They wanted to cut the middle out, turn it into a ring of power, turn invisible, and destroy middle earth.
31.  They liked Reggie Miller, but not enough to have a name after him.
32.  They like the 50 states of USA and do not like Puerto Rico.
33.  They like the 50 states of USA and are really happy about Hawaii and Alaska.
34.  They like police officers and money.
35.  They like David Robinson for the Spurs.
36.  They are Raider's fans and really liked Dave Dalby, and Jim Otto wasn't bad either.
37.  They hate the Raiders, but like da Bears, and also Mike Singletary.
38.  They love da bears, and wanted one shy of Dick Butkus.
39.  They didn't think they would make it to age 50.
40.  They wanted to never retire, because they liked to work, and staying at 50 is a working age. 
41,  They, like JFK, wanted to smoke 50 Cuban missles with money in them (oh, sorry, that was cigars.
42.  They like JFK, always wanted to sing Happy Birthday to them.
43.  They like JFK, swam in oceans a lot and saved people some of the time.
44.  They have been waiting for this blog post ALL THEIR LIFE (RIP Kelvin Martin).
45.  They wanted their number to be both five more than Michael Jordan's brother and also worth more.
46.   They keep guns in a safe place, just like their funds -  They keep all their big bills, give their wifey the ones (They don't like George Washington very much).
47.  At the dice game, they rolled ahead, crapped in the crack they're like "Nah, we ain't paying for that!
48.  50 Bars of pleasure 50 bars of pain - It is easy to remember 50 so it will be easy for people to remember them even if they did not know him.  
49.  Beacuse they were born as healthy babies, not always crazy.  This aint how moma rasied them, this how the hood made them  The D's call me by my government name I be dumb and shoot up parks Have people runnin' like "Jesus Comin.'"  From this reference you can tell they like the verse Luke 23:50 - They like Joseph.  They also like Psalm 50 and Genesis 50 and the 50th book of the Bible is really a sum up of their life story -  Philippians. 
50.  That one reason that always seems to be missing.